Intoxicated Tales of the Golden Witch
by SoneAnna
Summary: It's my wedding night, I can drink if I want to. Now, Beato, l-let's tell them how we met.../Idea taken from a TvTropes WMG./
1. Prologue

LOL AUTHOR NOTES:

This was inspired by a crackpot WMG theory on TvTropes. Credit to whoever posted the original idea.

Lion is referred to as a male for simplicity's sake. I feel odd using honorifics in a series with a huge western influence, so I've Anglicized them ("Natsuhi-obasan" I write as "Aunt Natsuhi"). I know this pisses some people off, but please do your best to deal with it. Also LOL SPOILERS up to EP7. So many damn spoilers. Y'all have been warned. Subtle references to EP8, but you'd have to be familiar with the spoilers to catch them anyways.

Yadda yadda, thanks for reading this essay of an author's note. Please enjoy and if you have any feedback/constructive criticism I would love to hear it~.

* * *

On October 4th, the Ushiromiya family, their servants, and guests all gathered.

However, it was not on Rokkenjima, but at an overly-extravagant, Western-style reception hall on the mainland.

There was no doubt who they were all there for. However, it seems the two stars themselves forgot.

"Don't you…don't you think you've had enough to drink, Mr. Battler?" the girl formally named Sayo Yasuda questioned. The dress she wore was itchy, and didn't fit around her bust well, so she was constantly squirming in it. She used that as an excuse to stare down at her sleeves, pulling at them and ignoring Battler's gaze. She felt her face grow warm.

She was given a response in the form of Battler taking the latest champagne glass he had downed, and slamming it on the table. She jumped at the noise, and turned to her brother. "C-Come on…your turn."

The boy called Yoshiya Yasuda sighed and rubbed his temples. "Mr. Battler," he said sharply.

Battler gazed at the boy who looked like he was about to pass out from blood loss.

"Both you and Miss Beatrice here are too intoxicated for your own good." He wiped sweat from his brow. Reprimanding the grandson of his employer was something he did not enjoy doing. "It's better if you both stop drinking now before either of you get alcohol poisoning, or destroy something."

Battler stared dumbly at him, a new and completely full glass in his hand.

He took a deep breath, and continued. "You've already had scared both Miss Ange and Miss Maria with your antics—"

Battler laughed, and swished the glass's contents. "Okay, listen you two." He pointed one finger at each of them. "Shannon. Kanon."

The one more commonly called Shannon held her breath. The one more commonly called Kanon did his best to hide his anxiety behind his usual expressionless face.

"For one, Ange and Maria aren't scared." He shook his finger, and motioned with his shoulder to where both girls were being entertained by some of Beatrice's eccentric friends. "They, like me, have inherited Grandfather's strong resistance to alcohol! Alright, now stop being party-poopers." He scoffed to himself, like an angry child. "It's my goddamn wedding. I can get drunk if I want to."

Shannon and Kanon both quickly shrunk back. At the back of the ballroom, one Natsuhi Ushiromiya was waving them over furiously.

The siblings dashed over, both somewhat shaken.

Natsuhi took one look at their faces and grew as pale as Kanon. "Nothing, right?"

"I-I'm sorry, Miss Natsuhi," Shannon said, bowing her head. "Mr. Battler is very resistant when it comes to things like this. If anything, we only made him mad."

Kanon pulled out a nearby chair, and utterly collapsed in it, letting his arms hang down, and resting his face flat on the table.

"Kanon, are you alright?" Natsuhi inquired. She began digging in her purse for the bottle of aspirin she always kept with her.

"I…" Kanon hesitated. "I don't feel comfortable. I feel like becoming one with the furniture."

Shannon giggled, clapping her hands over her mouth.

A voice from behind her prevented Shannon from breaking down into a fit of laughter, though.

"Excuse me, Miss NATSUHI," it said. All three looked to see a girl with shock-purple curls and dull yellow eyes standing there conservatively, with a champagne glass full of what looked like to be cider or some other nonalcoholic drink in it. "Our other acquaintances from the theatre, Miss Erika's group, called the lobby and said they'd be running LATE. They had some problems with their car when driving from the CHURCH. They offer their APOLOGIES."

Natsuhi dug deeper into her purse, and pulled out an absurdly long and folded piece of paper. On it were fifty or more names, some with checks next to them, all handwritten. Her eyes scanned the list until she confirmed four names—Frederica Bernkastel, Miyoko Tanashi (_please call her Lambdadelta! _scribbled next to it), Tohya Hachijou, and Erika Furudo—had no checks next to them.

"Ah. I see. Thank you for informing me of this, Miss Knox," Natsuhi nodded her head politely, and Dlanor headed back to the lobby.

Natsuhi had gone out there earlier to see Dlanor, along with two very polite girls named Gertrude and Cornelia, playing something resembling poker in the company of the three Siesta sisters. She breathed a sigh of relief.

Beatrice had always been a pleasant woman to Natsuhi. Rowdy, kind of dominating, but always very kind to Natsuhi. Her friends, however, were a different story. Beatrice had long been involved with a local theatre group, and had the respect of many of the other actresses—needless to say, they all had gotten invited. And most of them were not as pleasant.

At the church, the three called Bernkastel, Lambdadelta, and Erika, had rigged various traps in the church (to which almost all of Natsuhi fell victim to), and spent most of the ceremony giggling and smiling oddly. It didn't seem to bother Beatrice, though. The one called Tohya (if Natsuhi could recall, she was the director of the theatre program and a retired actress herself) was a smartass, and treated others as her inferiors—including Natsuhi, of course. And the troupe of seven girls who called themselves Beatrice's assistants were busy occupied with teaching Maria and Ange some "secret theatre tricks" and sexually harassing Battler and Natsuhi's son Lion (not that the former was sober enough to notice).

She was silently glad the four wouldn't be here for a while.

Honestly, the after party had begun not even forty-five minutes before, and havoc was already being wreaked.

Shannon handed her a glass of water, and Natsuhi proceeded to down three large tablets of aspirin. She looked across the ballroom to see the seven girls had let go of Lion—only for Beatrice to be keeping him captive, sitting next to her.

Natsuhi put a hand to her head.

"Perhaps you should sit down now, Miss Natsuhi," Shannon suggested, frowning.

Without a word, Natsuhi took the girl's advice, and sat down in a manner similar to Kanon.

Shannon was about to join the two, when she felt a hand clamp on her shoulder.

"Oh my! You three seem to be missing this fun~" cried the theatergoer known as Zepar.

"Come now, come now," cried the other known as Furfur, who was in the process of dragging Kanon up and back to the other end of the ballroom.

"Miss Beatrice and Mr. Battler," they said in a unison Shannon found both creepy and irritating, "seem to want to tell some kind of story."

Natsuhi looked up at the twins. "A story?" she said, almost crying.

The twins smiled and shrugged, as if they found the idea of drunken newlyweds story-telling to be the best thing in the world. Though, considering they always screamed of the _POWER OF LOVE_, they probably did think it was the best thing in the world.

Natsuhi reluctantly stood up, and followed the four siblings to where Battler and Beatrice had drawn a crowd.

"Hey," Battler called as soon as he got a glimpse of his aunt. "Aunt Natsuhi! C'm'ere, c'm'ere."

Both of them were seated on top of the front table, swaying and red-faced. Many empty champagne glasses were at their feet.

Natsuhi looked around for Rudolf and Kyrie. Of all people, they should be the ones telling their son to cease from drinking himself into a coma. Alas, they weren't even in the crowd. Kyrie was trying to find some Ange-friendly food from the extravagant menu, and Rudolf was by the lobby holding a spirited conversation with the blue-haired Siesta sister (whatever her given name was; Natsuhi couldn't be bothered to remember).

"Yes, Battler?" she asked, weary. "Maybe you should put down the champagne first..."

Before she could get a response from her nephew, however, she received an overly-boisterous slap on the back from her beloved father-in-law.

"F-Father…"

"Natsuhi!" Kinzo scolded, making his way into the circle. "It's in the Ushiromiya blood to drink! And the boy is at his own wedding party, either way!"

Kinzo proceeded to grab two champagne glasses, give Battler a weird Kinzo-esque seal of approval in a mad smile, and duck back out of the circle. He downed one glass in a few seconds. "Have I ever told you all about my first love?" he inquired.

"Many, many times," Battler said, groaning.

"It was back when I was a soldier in the war!"

The entirety of the Ushiromiya family prepared themselves for the tale they had heard at least twenty times in the past year alone.

Kinzo stared up at the ceiling and started. "I was stationed at Rokkenjima! It used to be an old military base, you know. Before I bought it with my _gold_."

Getting an approving double eyebrow gesture from Beatrice, who still had Lion captured, Kinzo continued on.

"I was ordered to be a translator for an Italian noble, and that's when I met her!"

Battler downed another glass himself. "And her name was Bice Castiglioni and she was Beato's great-grandma here and Lion's aunt or whatever and you fell madly in love and she gave you gold, but then her dad saw what a creepy old bastard you were and whisked her away to a decent guy."

As Gohda tried to pass by unnoticed, Battler grabbed a cake-like dessert from the tray he was carrying, and examined it. Shoving it in his mouth, he ended, "And you and I are stupidly alike in so many different ways including our taste in women yadda yadda, grandfather."

Beatrice laughed theatrically. Lion cringed, and tried to slip away from his cousin's grasp to no avail.

Kinzo laughed in a similar manner. "Yes! _You are indeed my grandson_!" He drained the second glass, and headed out towards the lobby, most likely intending to bother Dlanor and her comrades.

Beatrice laughed again. "Anyways." She thought for a moment, and then turned to Battler. "We were going to do something, weren't we?"

"Let Lion go?" the young man asked pathetically.

Beatrice only laughed a third time, and roughly patted his head. "Oh just stay," she warned, showing her front fangs.

"Tell the story of our meeting, you idiot!" Battler said rudely, throwing one of Gohda's pastries at Beatrice.

She herself moved in time to avoid being hit, but Lion's bangs proceeded to become splattered with frosting.

"What did I do wrong?" he asked himself, straining under Beatrice's grasp to get a napkin. "Why am I being treated this way and when is Will that bastard getting here…?"

"I am old, Battler," Beatrice spat, picking up another glass. "My memory is not as good as yours. Ahahahaha…" the blonde proceeded to break into a fit of her trademark laughter, but hysterically. Lion was let go in the process.

He instantly flew over to Natsuhi's side, and pulled her and himself out of the crowd.

He normally did not mind being in Beatrice's hysterical company, but when the subject of his mother and Bice had been brought up, he began to feel uncomfortable.

Putting his arm around Natsuhi, he said, "Mother, please, why don't you just sit down…you've been working all week." While his mother rested her head, and Beato and Battler tried desperately to find a good point to start their story, he looked around for Krauss and Jessica. Krauss was nowhere to be seen, but Lion held no doubts that he was trying to talk business with the hall manager somewhere. Jessica had since been pulled out of the crowd, and Battler was trying to incorporate her, George, and Maria into his opening of the story.

Lion sighed and took a seat next to Natsuhi. This would probably take a while.


	2. Legend

_"Legend of the Golden Witch"?_

_The young man with alcohol shall not spare it._

* * *

"Beato, let us begin!" Battler cried, taking Maria up onto his lap.

Beatrice laughed again.

"It was a stormy day on Rokkenjima—!"

"It was sunny for the most part," Beatrice inserted, snorting. "It only started raining after you and your grabby hands set foot on the island."

"You don't come in yet!" Battler spat, pointing.

"So like I was saying, it was raining."

"Maria noticed the seagulls were all gone," Maria supplied, smiling and sucking on the lollipop Beatrice had pulled out for her earlier. "Skies were clear except for clouds, Uu~."

"Exactly!" Battler said indignantly. "It was when I finally decided to forgive you guys for being bastards and come back to the family conference."

"Uu~, Maria didn't even recognize Battler. Maria was too tiny last time Battler visited—"

Battler roughly patted her head as a way of telling her to shut up.

"So anyway the skies were clear because George shot all of the seagulls down and made them into yakitori."

"That was Jessica," Beatrice clarified.

"No one made yakitori!" Jessica screeched, pulling at her hair. "We all had that discussion, if you don't remember!"

Battler waved away Jessica's complaints. "And then we had an intelligent discussion about roses and Maria adopted one. And then you know we saw Kanon and Shannon—and hey, wait. We never saw them at the same time."

Maria looked confused. "What is Battler talking about, Uu~? Seen Kanon and Shannon together lots. Together lots."

He patted his cousin's head again. "No, no, Maria…" He scanned the crowd, and found the two of his subject. "How-how are you two here right now?"

Both looked understandably confused.

"It-it must be the lights or something…one of you has to disappear before the other can come…" Battler shook his head and carried on.

Shannon and Kanon both exchanged weary glances.

"And then-!" Battler held up his arms. "Uh…something about a portrait."

"Portrait, Uu-?" Maria shook her head. "No portrait. No portrait, Battler."

"Wrong! For there was always a portrait!" Battler picked up yet another glass. "The portrait of the Golden Witch!"

Jessica leaned over to George and whispered, "What in the hell is he talking about?"

George shrugged nervously. "I have no clue. I think it's just delusions from drinking too much."

"Uu~! Maria likes witches—"

"Of course you do, you obviously evil little thing," Battler said, shifting her weight onto one arm. "Right, so then I saw—"

"Beatrice the Witch of the Island," said woman inserted, suffering from spleen-rupturing laughter once more.

"Oi," Battler ordered, motioning to Gohda, who was trying to appear inconspicuous, "get grandfather back in here. He-he should know…"

"And fetch Dlanor, too, while yer at it," Beatrice added.

Gohda looked increasingly nervous, but quickly exited the main room in search of Kinzo and Dlanor.

* * *

A truly evil smile rose over Dlanor's normally expressionless face. Her eyes grew slits.

Gertrude narrowed her eyebrows. "Don't tell me…"

Cornelia shook with fear, attempting to hide behind her hand of cards and/or Gertrude.

With one quick motion, Dlanor flipped over the table she and the two were playing cards on. "I…"

"Hold on tight," Gertrude muttered to the cowering girl beside her.

"I have won yet AGAIN!" she announced. "The balance you two owe me is now STAGGERING! Please remember to pay SOON." The girl shifted into a trance-like state. "THE PUNISHMENT FOR THOSE WHO FAIL TO REPAY DEBTS IS EXECUTION! DIE THE DEATH! SENTENCE TO DEATH! GREAT EQUALIZER IS THE DEATH!"

Gertrude banged on the side of her head with her fist, as if making sure her cochlea wasn't dislodged by Dlanor's outburst. "Must you do this every time?"

Dlanor sat back down, and her expression faded. She folded her arms and said simply, "Gambling debts must be REPAID. Any hesitation on your part will be met with JUSTICE."

Like Cornelia, Gohda found himself horrified, and staring at Dlanor with his mouth agape.

Kinzo merely stood in the corner watching the three girls' game, seeming amused.

As if to answer Gohda's thoughts—_What is wrong with this girl?_—Gertrude, in the process of restoring the table to its original position and picking up the scattered cards, said, "Dlanor's father was a police officer. She's studying to be one in his footsteps."

"My father was a CRIMINAL. He broke the very laws he ENFORCED. That is why he was sent to the FIRING SQUAD," Dlanor clarified to no one in particular.

Gertrude shrugged helplessly.

Getting the courage to speak up, Gohda addressed the room, "Excuse me. Master Kinzo, Miss Knox? Ah, the bride and groom have asked for your prescence—"

Dlanor immediately stood up. "Anything other than playing cards with THESE TWO. I still do not have within my possession last month's spoons WINNINGS." She waltzed out of the room, nearly knocking Gohda over.

Kinzo chuckled.

"What does he want me for?"

"Ah, um something to do with remembering a part of his story?" Gohda bowed. "I apologise, Master Kinzo. I am not quite sure of any of the things Mr. Battler has said in the past half-hour."

Kinzo shook his head and exited.

Gertrude was back to shuffling the cards. She eyed Gohda, who looked unsure of what to do next.

"Hey. You. Chef man."

"Huh? Ahh-ah yes, Miss…" he searched his head for her name.

"Gertrude," she corrected. "Please come sit down and play a round with us. You're among friends, don't worry."

"Ah, um, I am afraid I don't have any money to bet…"

"We don't bet," Cornelia said.

"But…" he mimicked Dlanor's table-flipping.

Gertrude shook her head, and said in her trademark monotone, "That's what we keep telling her. We've never bet on any money, but she's insistant."

Finally cracking a small smile, Gohda took the seat opposite.

* * *

"A letter from the family Alchemy counselor!" Beatrice shouted. "You find the gold, none of you die. Haha, see, good deal right there." She took another swig from her current glass. "Plus you get to keep the gold. Dunno what I was thinking there when I wrote that…"

"And then I, Kinzo, vanished into the stormy night!"

Kinzo had since stepped into the circle, and was gallantly helping Beato and Battler remember their story. Dlanor had been told that her part would come, but she was not needed quite yet.

"Yeah!" Battler cheered. "Goodbye, you…bastard…"

Every time Battler uttered a less-than-pleasant word, Rosa cringed. Maria was still sitting on her cousin's lap, happily listening to whatever crap he was "recalling". She had the feverent desire to run up and simply grab Maria away from him and his foul mouth, but she'd run into a few problems: a) Maria would throw a tantrum b) Battler would throw a tantrum c) it would only invite more "Mother of the Year" cracks.

Rosa then decided to keep to herself, and sit with Eva and Hideyoshi, the both of which where heavily amused by the ongoings.

As Kinzo melodramatically walked around the circle, Rosa waved him over.

"Father…how do you understand anything they're talking about? Do you know this "story"?"

Kinzo laughed, and slammed his fist on the table. "Of course not! They're completely drunk out of their skulls and couldn't tell a coherent story to save their hides! I am _improvising_!"

Rosa sighed, but said nothing.

"And then people died."

At that point, those who were not paying attention to Battler and Beato definitely were.

"The blood…" Battler started, "will never come out of that shed."

Maria laughed eerily.

Battler slapped the top of her head and she stopped.

"And-And then…" He turned to Beatrice. "I forget. Who died?"

"Um…" Beatrice thought. "Gohda. And Krauss."

"And then we found Gohda and Uncle Krauss in the shed." He paused, then added, "Some other people too but I can't remember."

"We despaired momentarily but we persevered!"

When Battler picked up yet another champagne glass, Lion wondered to himself who exactly had set up the arrangement of having them scattered, full, all over the ballroom for opportune drinking. Surely not Natsuhi. "Oh, right," he concluded, snapping his fingers. "Grandfather."

"And then Aunt Eva and Uncle Hideyoshi got steaked," Battler said bluntly, holding up a fork and knife and making a cutting motion.

Jessica stifled a giggle. " 'Steaked'?"

"No, no, you dumbass!" Beatrice called two of her seven assistants over. She took one arm of each girl in her hands, and made crude stabbing gestures in the air. "Stake'd."

The two girls smiled as if realizing some inside joke.

Eva didn't know what to think of Battler's story at this point. "Should I be worried that we're dead already?" she asked Hideyoshi.

However he merely brushed it off as an innocent culmination of the rampant alcohol and watching too many crime dramas on television.

"And then all of a sudden, the house smelled bad. Like Jessica when—"

"I don't care if this is your wedding. If you finish that sentence, you will die here and now, Battler."

Battler kept going. "And so Ms. Kumasawa and Kanon went to the boiler room because apparently that's where Jessica stores her—"

Undaunted, Jessica grabbed the collar of Battler's dress shirt, gently pushing Maria aside. Mustering up the best dirty look she could give, she grabbed Battler's hand, and twisted his pinky finger backwards.

"OW FUCK THAT SHIT HURTS—"

Jessica said nothing and released his finger. She looked him in the eye.

"Stop-stop it."

"…"

"Your mind control powers don't work on me…"

His ringer finger met its end by Jessica's knuckles.

"Ah-ah…" Battler stumbled for words, trying not to submit to the _Oh God pain_. "But it turns out that smell was Grandfather taking a midnight swim in the furnace."

Jessica lifted an eyebrow at his odd cover-up, but let go of his finger and returned to her seat next to George.

"It appears I am actually dead!" Kinzo announced.

Beatrice clapped at this latest revelation.

"So we all made the incredibly smart choice of going into Grandfather's study. And then Beato left us another letter and Aunt Natsuhi was all like _'How even?' _and Maria and Ms. Kumasawa and Genji and someone else got the boot."

Kinzo looked unnerved of the mention of his study being raided, but he chose not to comment.

"Also Kanon died."

Kanon opened his mouth to protest, but Shannon clamped a hand over it. "Shh! Don't-don't make things worse."

"And so Maria shifted into creepy little horror movie girl mode and then everyone else who got kicked out was dead and there was _an evil fucking phone_."

"Uu~? Maria was creepy?"

"Right, right, lemme revise my choice of words. Maria was actually especially creepy then."

Maria seemed content.

Battler hung his head, trying to think of where he left off from.

"Y'know," Beatrice commented, "this doesn't sound like what happened, now that I think about it, ahaha…"

"Shut up! I am the one telling the story, Beato!" He looked around for another pastry to throw, and became pissed when he failed to do so.

"Let me finish at least. Okay so Maria kept saying 'Ooo, ooo Beatrice is the culprit!' but I didn't wanna believe her. And then Aunt Natsuhi decided to be stupid and challenged Beato to a wrestling match—"

"Gunfight."

"…and Aunt Natsuhi challenged Beato to a gunfight but lost and Jessica cried like a little girl."

Jessica stuck out her lower lip. "Y'know, you haven't mentioned whatever happened to your parents yet."

Taking a considerably large drink, Battler thought it over and replied, "Oh, they were in the shed."

"I—" Jessica started. She stopped when she realized arguing with him at this point would be useless. "Nevermind. Just…go on, or whatever."

"We all died."

The room was silent, except for Beato's laughter.

"All of us died! And then we came back and drank tea and Beato said 'Wanna play a game, _Battleeeer_?' cause I didn't think she was real."

He again patted Maria on the head, and concluded, "The end."

Everyone was dumbstruck.

George laughed nervously and fidgeted with his glasses. "Ah, um, well, that was certainly an interesting story, Battler…"

By then, Bernkastel and her group had already arrived, and had taken a seat with Lion and Natsuhi, the latter of which had fallen asleep around the time of Battler's finger pain.

"Hey," Beatrice pointed out. "Bernkastel's here. And she brought _wine_."

Indeed the blue-haired actress, along with Lambdadelta and Erika, was taking drinks out of a ridiculously large bottle of wine labeled _Kues_. "You jealous?" she asked, obviously starting to get tipsy. "Only the game master can have the wine of righteousness."

Lion did a mental facepalm. How had he not noticed she had been drinking this whole time? If he had, he would have immediately snatched the bottle away and hidden it. As if he and his mother needed more drunk people on their hands. And it was Beatrice's creepy theatre friend, to add to it.

"And," Bernkastel added, stuffing the cork into the bottle, "that story was all wrong. Beato can do better…" She hobbled out of her seat, trying her best to hide the fact that she had been drinking out of the bottle herself, and shoved the bottle into Beatrice's hands. "Here okay you're the game master, Beato. You tell the story from the beginning and tell it right."

"Hahaha, I will try my best." Beato smirked, not even bothering to search for a corkscrew and just uncapping the thing with her hands.

"Oh so you think you can do better?" Battler sneered.

"Yes," Beatrice said. "Yes, I do think I can."

Lion was not sure when the first moment he felt like hanging himself occurred. It was either when he realized the "story" told was going to get a repeat by only a slighty-less-drunk-but-still-quite-drunk person, or when Lambdadelta and Erika started cackling in his ear, with Tohya muttering, "Well, this should be fun."


	3. Turn

"_Turn of the Golden Witch"?_

_But will the outcome be any better with the witch as narrator?_

* * *

Lion was very tempted to down the entire bottle of aspirin Natsuhi carried around. But he decided a corpse would only be another burden on her shoulders. And that if anyone here should be the one given the duty of handling his corpse, it should be Will.

He rolled up his sleeve and checked his watch. "Why isn't he here yet?" he muttered, growing more irritated by the second.

Bernkastel returned to the table, folding her hands in her lap, and trying to appear sober. "Are you talking about Willard?" she questioned.

He narrowed his eyes. "Yes."

Willard H. Wright was not fond of actresses. Or more specifically, he was not fond of the actresses of Beatrice's theatre group, namely a Miss Frederica Bernkastel.

Before Lion had a chance to warn Bern to leave Will and himself out of her buzzed plans, Beatrice commanded everyone's attention.

"Okay, okay, Bern, here you go!"

Lion and the actresses at his table looked up. Natsuhi was still sound asleep.

The blonde actress took a drink out of the wine bottle, and pointed to Shannon. She beckoned for the brunette girl to come to her.

Shannon bit her lip. She looked around to see if she could get out of being involved. She met eyes with Kinzo.

He grinned and shrugged at her, as if to say _Do whatever you want, but it would be amusing if you played along._

Shannon sighed, and trudged up, Kanon giving her a salute that probably wasn't meant to be funny. "Y-Yes, Miss Beatrice?"

Beatrice grasped the young maid around the shoulders. "Okay, Battler, here's where you went wrong."

Battler challenged her to go on, a dull look in his eyes.

"For the story does not start with your return to island, but the reverie of two pairs of young lovers!"

Shannon nearly jumped a foot into the air, and started sweating heavily. She looked at Kanon sharply, as if to confirm they were thinking the same thing. He wore the same facial expression as his sister. Jessica and George also looked extremely nervous.

Surely Beatrice, who Battler had only formally introduced to the Ushiromiyas in 1986, could not know of the incident at the 1984 conference?

"Don't you remember, Shannon?" Beatrice asked, the alcohol clearly making her over exaggerate her emotions. "The mirror? The butterfly pin?"

Shannon gasped. "How-how do you…? How do you know about that?"

Beatrice laughed for the umpteenth time that evening. "The more accurate question is _how do I not_?" she said, almost falling off of the table and taking Shannon with her.

Shannon steadied herself against the wall and sighed. "Then…then please educate us, Miss Beatrice."

From her seat, Eva grew nervous. The incident was an embarrassing time for the Ushiromiya family, George and Jessica especially. For her son's sake, she had hoped it never would have to be brought up again. She considered going up and trying to interfere with the "story", but got looks from George telling her that he and Jessica could handle this on their own.

"What should we do?" George whispered to Jessica, trying his best to appear perfectly relaxed.

Jessica laced and unlaced her fingers anxiously, trying to her best to think of an idea. "I-I don't know…it's not like can just go up there and duct-tape her mouth shut."

But the next words out of Beatrice's mouth both relieved and further agitated the cousins and siblings.

"…so Shannon here called upon the power of the Golden Witch of the island."

Battler shook his fist at his wife. "You weren't here in 1984!"

Beato ignored him, and continued to elaborate on the story of the mirror and butterfly pin.

Although they held some merit, the stories surrounding them were far from the truth.

Shannon cringed when she was reminded of the time when she accidentally broke one of Kinzo's "sacred mirrors" while cleaning, and in the process, came upon the butterfly pin his dear Bice had commonly worn and left him as a parting gift when she was dragged away.

George and Jessica felt more confused than they had ever felt. Did she or did she not know what had happened? She must have known somewhat, otherwise she couldn't have told this "tale", embellished as it was.

Rosa and Maria seemed to be the only Ushiromiyas locked out of the loop. While Maria was simply content with listening to Beatrice, engraining all she said into her memory as the new "truth of the matter", Rosa was not.

"But of course, Kanon would not _believe~_"

She leaned across the table. "Eva? Sis? What's going on now? Why does everyone look nervous?"

Eva raised her eyebrows accusingly. "Don't play dumb."

Rosa was taken aback. "Play dumb? Excuse me? I-I genuinely have no idea…"

A look of recognition passed over Eva's face. "Oh, yes. I forgot, you had a bad case of influenza during the 1984 conference, right? You came anyways but were passed out in one of the guest bedrooms nearly the whole time…" The elder sister rested her head in her hands, and the younger chose a seat closer to her, ready to listen for the truth.

"Ah, well what started things were when George proposed to Shannon."

"Wh-what?" George. Shannon. Engaged?

As far as Rosa could tell, the two always seemed to have a little affection towards each other, perhaps a little bit more than they should have for a maid and the son of the family she served…but not anything to the point of engagement.

Reading the look of complete surprise on her younger sister's face, Eva went on. "Turns out they'd been dating secretly for a while then, but hadn't wanted to reveal anything because of the oppression they'd meet." Eva held up her hands, as if being accused. "Now…I admit that got to me. I thought it outrageous. I was very angry, understandably…but then…erm…"

Eva gulped.

"What? What?" Rosa pressed.

"Apparently Jessica and Kanon were in the same kind of relationship, with neither George nor Jessica knowing of Shannon and Kanon being siblings, and neither Shannon nor Kanon knowing about their sibling's relationship." Eva glanced at the passed out Natsuhi. "Needless to say, there was a huge…_incident_, an explanation of the misunderstandings…and the engagement was broken off."

Rosa started to give her opinion of this tremendous occurrence, unbeknownst to her all of these years, when Battler's angry voice rang out.

"_What the hell did any of that have to do with the story_?"

Beatrice had just let Shannon go, and was about to start on again. Beatrice pouted. "Don't interrupt me." The wine bottle was drained just a little bit more. "And it had a lot to do, alright? Lemme finish."

Maria giggled at the proceedings, and once again took a seat on Battler's lap. "Uu~, where does Maria come in?"

Beatrice raised one finger. "A little bit. In fact, you are quite important to this story, Maria. "

"Uu~, Mama, did you hear? Maria's in the story—"

"So Battler and I started arguing." She pointed a finger at him. "About whether it was magic or a human. Then…we cut back to the rose garden, where Maria is searching for the rose lost in the storm!"

"Miss BEATRICE?" Dlanor asked, looking bored. "Excuse me for INTERRUPTING. But I thought this story was about the meeting of you and Mr. BATTLER. And why, all of a sudden, are you speaking of MAGIC?"

"When did we ever say that?" She looked to Battler for approval, and received it in the form of a head nod. "And witches can use magic and I am the Golden Witch, that is why, silly Ronald."

"Dlanor is my NAME. Have you gotten so inebriated that you have forgotten THAT?"

"Very well then!" Another drink.

Dlanor said nothing, and watched Beatrice.

"This story doesn't sound very good," Battler said. Another glass became empty. "In fact it doesn't sound very different from mine…"

Beatrice suddenly grew angry. "Excuse me? As a storyteller, _you are incompetent_!"

The room went silent again. Beatrice took another drink. "I've said that in red text. I win. Battler is incompetent."

Battler looked like he was trying to search through his sober mind to find the meaning of "red text". When he failed to do so, he asked, "What the hell is red text?"

Bernkastel stood up. "I-I got it," she announced. "Red text is absolute truth. Anything said in red is automatically true. Right?"

Beatrice made a heart symbol with her hands. "Ahahaha exactly, Bernkastel. Do you want a cookie for your right answer?"

Bernkastel sat back down, triumphant.

"Hey, hey that's not fair," Battler protested. "I want to use red text."

"You can't."

"WHY NOT?"

"Because you don't have _magic_, that's why." Yet another drink. "Only witches and sorcerers can use the red text!"

"Then I'll use blue text!"

"Uu~! Colors! Maria likes colors!"

"Not yet," Beatrice warned. "Soon you may be enabled to blue but not as of now!"

As the two squabbled on about coloured text and who got to use what and when and why, Bernkastel turned her attention back to Lion, amused by the chaos.

"So when is Willard getting here?"

"That's what I would like to know."

"Oh my, Mistress," Erika commented, putting her sleeve up to her mouth and cackling, "do you have a history with this Willard person?"

Bernkastel suddenly became defensive. "Did I ever say I did? Back off!"

Erika and Lambdadelta exchanged curious glances.

"Bern," Lambda started, "I think you've had enough to drink."

Reaching over, Lambdadelta pried the champagne glass out of Bernkastel's hand, the latter gaping in awe.

"So when did you start deciding to be the straight man?" Bernkastel accused, shaking a little.

Lambda frowned, and turned to Erika. "Did you happen to see how much of that wine she drank?"

Erika put a hand up to her chin and recalled, "The bottle was closed when we got here. She only started drinking it when—"

"Stop-stop talking about me behind my back."

"It appears, my lovely Bern, that you cannot hold your liquor," Lambdadelta said, cracking her knuckles. She fished for something in her shoulder bag.

Bernkastel's eyes widened. "What are you doing?"

"Making sure you don't do anything you regret, that's all…"

Tohya started chuckling.

At that time, Lion formally blocked out the goings next to him, and started astral projecting.

Therefore, he did not catch when Beatrice resumed the story. With herself as an inserted character.

"And _then_ people died, right?" Battler asked.

"Yes, in the chapel. Haha, Happy Halloween…"

"Uu~, Maria had a good Halloween that year."

"Sure you did. Now anyways. And then—I unleashed my goat-headed servants upon yourselves."

"And then I think Jessica and Kanon kicked the bucket."

"I am the game master, now shut up." Beatrice's inner, sober mind told her that what she was thinking of doing next was something she'd regret later. However, that inner, sober mind was fully drowned out by the champagne and wine. So Beatrice then picked up a full glass of champagne, and hurled it at Battler.

Battler had to admit it: despite being drunk, Beatrice had very good aim. The glass hit him square on the side of the head. To make matters more severe, the glass shards and dripping champagne were only on him; Maria was not even fazed.

"Uu~, Battler okay?" Maria twisted around, and picked a few pieces of glass from his hair. "Glass didn't hurt Battler, did it?" She pointed at Beatrice. "Uu~, no throwing glasses at people, Miss Beatrice!"

When Rosa saw what her daughter was doing, she instantly sprang from her seat. "Maria! Maria, don't touch the glass, you'll get cut!"

She lifted her daughter off of Battler, and took the glass from her hands. She was about to go help her nephew, and see if he was alright, when she saw that Beatrice had hopped down off of the table, and was picking up the remnants of the glass—both from the table/floor and Battler's head—herself.

The two were angrily screeching at each other in some foreign, but mutually-understandable drunken tongue. But she thought she could see faint smiles on their faces.

Rosa resisted the urge to smile like a condescending adult. She took Maria's hand, and said to her, "Come on Maria. Let's not bother them for now."

* * *

"Maria had the key to chapel with her!" Battler insisted.

Beatrice found another, very small, piece of glass. "I already said no, dumbass."

By this time, once everyone was aware the glass had done no harm to neither Battler nor Maria, they had gone back to minding their own business. Not that the two minded. They were absorbed in clarifying things amongst themselves.

Battler held up a finger, feeling triumphant. "But, my dearest Beato, have you forgotten about the envelope?"

"The envelope I gave to Maria?"

"Exactly! For someone could have put the key in there, and then…" he scratched his head, trying to finish his sentence. "I forget where I was going with that."

"Then that means I win," Beatrice declared, intending to point her finger at him but instead shoving a glass shard in his face.

Battler fell back, trying to avoid the glass, and glared at Beatrice. "Th-then let's discuss Jessica's locked room…"

"You…you keep handcuffs in your purse?" Lion said incredulously, as if the metal object in front of his eyes was just an illusion.

Lambdadelta smirked. "Ohohoho, of course. It is a good trait of any actress to carry around stolen props for necessary times like this!" the object she had been fishing around for was exactly that: a pair of handcuffs…with which to chain herself to Bernkastel.

Tohya put her hands together and smiled. "Please remember to put it back when you are done."

Bernkastel drew her lips into a tight _o_, and, as if her gaze itself would dissolve the chain, glared down at the handcuffs.

"What are you so angry about?" Lambda asked.

"I don't want to be chained to you."

"Pfft. Since when? And besides, this for your own good."

"This-this doesn't count!" Bernkastel suddenly became flustered. "We're in public and there's nothing kinky about—"

Lion held up a hand. "I really, _really_ don't want to hear about your sex life. Please, dear God, keep it to yourself."

Lambdadelta winked. "What makes you think we have a sex life? Or any romantic life for that matter?"

Lion looked like he was about to implode on himself. "She just said—"

"She said nothing of importance. You cut her off, ohohoho."

Lion resisted the urge to run up to the front table, and stab himself in the neck with a glass shard.

* * *

"Fake Kanon!"

"There's no damn fake…Kanon."

"Then where'd the bodies go, huh?" Beatrice snapped her fingers and took another drink. "Magic, I tell you!"

"There's no such fucking thing as magic, you crazy woman."

"Then prove me wrong!" She opened her arms wide, as if to invite all theories he could give her.

Before allowing her husband to even provide an alternative, she went on, "and then I had Belz stake Gohda while he and Shannon and George were looking for Natsuhi's mirror. And then Shannon was all like, 'I have a mirror. I can beat you, bitch'. And _bzzzt _she did her shield but then she and George died too. Ha. Ha. Ha. I win."

"You…didn't even let me think of s-something."

"That's because you surrendered to me next! Don't you remember? The chain? The GOATS?"

"That is not worksafe!"

Bernkastel, and by extension, Lambdadelta, was standing behind Beatrice at her mention of the chain. "Don't…don't discuss things like this in the presence of children…"

She made a grab for the wine bottle, still hanging in Beatrice's hand, but a swift tug on the chain by Lambdadelta sent her falling backwards.

"Uh-uh. No more alcohol for you, Bern." She smiled, and looked up at the two. "So, as the only sober person amongst you all, I would like to announce my chaperoning this…" She coughed. "…_story_ of yours. Please begin again, Beatrice."

* * *

Bad chapter is bad. I did not do justice to my favourite arc ;_;

I promise the next chapter will not suck. Also…some suggestions on how to incorporate Eva-Beatrice into it? I'm having some issues with her.

And a last thank you to everyone's who has been reading this stupid story, especially Ozimul (;_; I am flattered).


	4. Banquet

_"Banquet of the Golden Witch"_

_Tables turn; the party is crashed….where is this narrative going?_

* * *

"Let me start off my telling you all how I met teacher!" Beatrice started, holding the wine bottle like it was the Holy Grail. "_Teacher!_"

A ways away, the elder actress called Virgillia looked up when she heard Beatrice calling her. She put up a hand, and waved meekly, as if acknowledging her.

The theatergoers called Gaap and Ronove, who were situated at the same table, both snuck a look at each other and snickered. Instantly catching this, Virgilia diverted her attention to them.

"What? What do you two find so funny?"

Gaap waved her inquiry away. "Oh, nothing at all. If Riiche wants to get drunk and make a fool out of herself, it's not any of my business, ahaha~."

Virgilia furrowed her brows. She looked like she wanted nothing more than to slap Gaap.

"…and I said, 'Teacher, won't you use your magic to fix it! Pretty please!' And then she did. And then the cat knocked it over."

"Bullshit!" Battler interrupted. "There's no magic in this story!"

Beatrice swung the wine bottle at his head, but Lambdadelta grabbed her wrist.

"You. Battler, no interrupting. And you. Beatrice. Hands to yourself." The blonde actress was seated at a table she had dragged over, still handcuffed to Bernkastel and looking highly amused. "Now. Beato, please continue."

"Yes! Now, as I was saying…" She pointed at Battler. "You started to become a pansy!"

"Lies!"

"And because you were a pansy, I was able to summon my dear butler!"

"You have no butler!"

"Battler, Battler. You're drunk. Obviously I do. Ronove is my butler."

Battler looked at her curiously. He knew the man called Ronove was one of the theatre assistants. He knew Ronove often preferred working with Beato (maybe he viewed her as more classy than the other girls?). But…he was her butler? Wait a second…

* * *

"How's that?"

Cornelia held her fan of cards over her mouth to cover her giggles. Gohda seemed proud of himself. Gertrude said in a calm voice, "You suck at poker."

Before then, Gertrude, Cornelia, and Gohda had been playing spoons together. A little while earlier, though, Will had suddenly arrived, and Gertrude had roped him into a game of poker (without betting; Dlanor would be on their asses for sure).

And he was not doing very well at all.

Will narrowed his eyes, and glared at Gertrude.

Gertrude yawned, and looked through her cards. "See, that's the thing…Cornelia and I have to be deadpan on duty, so our poker faces come naturally. And Gohda here, he's apparently played professional poker in the past, so he knows it well, too." She pointed a slim finger in Will's direction. "But you. You seem so naturally stoic. Why do your poker faces suck so badly?"

Will responded by slamming down his hand of cards on the table and meeting Gertrude's eyes. "I will not take guff from a member of a rival agency!"

"What does our police work have to do with playing poker?" Gertrude asked simply.

Will opened his mouth to rebuff her, but when he found no appropriate words, he went back to studying his cards. He thought of retreating and going out to the main hall to give Battler and Beatrice his regards, to give Lion a hand with all of the drunken people wandering around. But he was Willard H. Wright, former head police chief and detective of the SSVD crime unit, and Wright of the Twenty Bullets. He could beat these three in a measly game of poker. Hell, one was a mere family cook, and the other two were lowly inspectors from the Eiserne Jungfrau CU.

He had made up his mind to pulverize them. Which why he nearly flipped over the table like Dlanor had when he was interrupted by a shrill voice.

"Ohhhhh my. Aren't you enjoying the wedding? Why are you all out here?"

Will craned his head around to find the source of the voice, and groaned when he saw.

Before the four stood a short actress, clad in dazzling purple and black. She was a near-carbon copy of a Miss Eva Ushiromiya.

Gohda looked panicked. "Miss-Miss Beatrice…Miss Eva, you were not invited to this wedding. We have strict orders not to let you inside—"

Eva-Beatrice slammed her gloved hand down on the table in front of Gohda, snatching his cards from his hands in one quick movement. "Oh? That's a shame. I don't think you can stop me, though. Ahah~."

Handing back Gohda's cards, she extended a hand over her stomach, and bowed to the other three. "Lovely to see you all again. Gertrude. Cornelia. Willard. I shall be entering, now." And without another word, she sauntered her way into the main hall.

Cornelia looked at Gertrude, then Will, and then Gohda. "What…what…who is she? And how does she know my name?"

Gertrude looked defeated. "She's…well, we don't know her real name. We've always referred to her as Eva-Beatrice. She's an actress who worked in Miss Beatrice's theatre group for a short while with the four Siesta sisters as her assistants. She's stalked Miss Eva and the theatre group for years now when her big audition was sabotaged by Mr. Battler and Miss Erika and she was kicked out of the group." Gertrude shuffled through her handful of cards. "Dlanor and I got the call to come remove her from Rokkenjima when she wouldn't leave Miss Eva alone, a few years ago. And knowing her, she knows your name because she's looked at your files. She's creepy like that."

* * *

With Battler interrupting her every five seconds, Beatrice's tale was becoming less and less easy to understand. Lambdadelta had to stop her multiple times, and make her repeat things.

"…and then?"

"Rosa killed me."

"Rosa took you out of Kuwadorian. And you slipped and fell."

"It was murder! _Murder!_"

Lambda brushed her off. "Next."

Beatrice took another drink. "My lovely Stakes and I did some business."

"And then…"

"Teacher and I engaged in a ladies' duel, and Battler stopped being a pansy for a little while."

"Ahaha! I win. Hey, wait. I—"

"Oh my God!" Beatrice suddenly shrieked in terror, looking in the direction of the hall entrance. "It's her!"

"Who?" Lambdadelta turned around, confused. Her eyes scanned the crowd, quickly, and lighted up when she found the source of Beatrice's terror. "Oh. Ohohoho. Looks like Evatrice is back. Well, she certainly lives up to expectations, the creeper."

Somehow, Eva-Beatrice had managed to sneak past the main crowd without drawing attention to herself, and was making her way over to Battler and the rest.

Beatrice kept holding a hand over her heart, mouth agape, as if she was expecting Eva-Beatrice to suddenly reach over and scoop her heart out with her bare hands. "You! You…!"

Eva-Beatrice grabbed the ends of her skirt, and curtsied. "My sincerest good wishes," she said, "…for this happy day of yours." It was hard to tell if she really _was_ being sincere.

"You came to solve my riddle, didn't you?" Beatrice demanded, putting the wine bottle behind her, as if she anticipated Eva-Beatrice to steal it. "Well, good luck. Just-just don't touch my wine. You'll never be the game master."

Eva-Beatrice cracked a cat-like smile, and let her gaze wander over to Lambdadelta and Bernkastel. "They're completely drunk, aren't they?"

Lambda waved a hand in the air. "Utterly. Bern here, too."

Before Eva-Beatrice had a chance to say more, Erika suddenly appeared behind her.

"Evatrice! We meet again!"

Eva-Beatrice spun around to meet the object of her hatred. "Erika Furudo!"

"Yes! For I was actually invited to this wedding. Nfufufu~."

Eva-Beatrice narrowed her eyes. "At least I had the guts to sneak in."

"And? Nyahaha, this conversation is going nowhere. You're weak, Evatrice. Weak!"

"Hate."

Erika wiped a tear from her eye, and peered at Eva-Beatrice. "Pardon?"

"Hate. Let me tell you how much I've come to hate you since I was forced to quit the theatre." Eva-Beatrice turned around, and picked up one of the cupcakes Battler had gotten from Gohda earlier. She looked Erika straight in the eye, and slowly turned the pastry around in her hands.

"Aha, you're so melodramatic."

"This isn't the time to be joking, Furudo." She turned back to the nearest table of food, and picked up what was guessed to be a small dish of jell-o.

And with one quick flick of the wrist, Eva-Beatrice sent the dish of jell-o hurdling at Erika's face. To the credit of the pigtailed actress, it was fast. She had only nanoseconds to react, and with those nanoseconds, she chose to put her hands up to shield her face.

The jell-o went flying, and bounced off of her hands, staining the tips of her white sleeves red. The dish, a clear, plastic thing, settled at her feet and began to seep discarded jell-o juice.

Before she had a chance to fully process the situation, and subsequently the consequences of her actions, Erika picked up a nearby glass of champagne, and dumped it over Eva-Beatrice's head.

Beatrice pumped one of her fists in the air. "Witch-fight! H-Hey, wait. Eva didn't find the gold yet. Or-or did she...?"

Eva-Beatrice looked like a machine about to short-circuit. She proceeded to shove the cupcake straight in Erika's face.

Beatrice and Bernkastel both dissolved into another fit of hysterical laughter. Lambdadelta clapped a hand over her mouth to stop herself from laughing. Battler's mouth dropped open.

"Eva-Beatrice!" Beatrice suddenly yelped. "I proclaim you the new Golden Witch!" Without another though, she tossed the purple-clad actress the wine bottle.

"But she's not the Game Master!" Bernkastel protested.

However, her shouts were not heard. Eva-Beatrice and Erika had begun grabbing whatever food and drink they could find, and throwing at them each other without relent. Over them, Beatrice had taken up a referee-like position, relaying more of the story in the process.

Spying Rosa coming over to them in the background, she changed course a bit. "And then BAM! Evatrice crushed Rosa and Maria with a giant glob of cake. But no-no-no, she wasn't done yet. So she _poofed_ them back to life and crushed them again. Ahahaha~!"

"What a good idea!" Eva-Beatrice sneered, using the wine bottle to defend against a barrage of (what looked like) lemon-cake squares thrown by Erika.

"Hey!" Rosa yelled. "What-what are you two doing?" She pried the new pastries out of Erika's hands, and forced her back. Upon spying Eva-Beatrice, she gasped. "Y-You! I should have known you'd come to crash this-"

Eva-Beatrice proceeded to ball up three cupcakes and fling them at Rosa.

Rosa, who was not expecting the food fight to include her, did not make a move to defend herself. The cakes hit her square in the forehead.

By then, Eva-Beatrice and Erika were both drenched in spilled champagne and punch, and sticky with sliding splatters of cake and other pastries. Rosa was not eager to join them, and took the end of a nearby table cloth to wipe the cake from her hair and face.

As the two girls continuing their food-fight with Beatrice as a commentator, Rosa grabbed a hold of Erika's arms, restraining her. "Hey! Someone help me please?" she snapped at no one in particular. "Someone get ahold of Eva-Beatrice!"

"Ahaha, my successor, you must be more dignified!" Beatrice scolded. She hopped off of the table, and merrily put Eva-Beatrice in a headlock. "If you're going to pulverize someone, you should do it as forcefully and extravagantly as possible, with the highest amount of dakka!"

Eva-Beatrice dropped the food she was holding, and gasped for breath. "B-Beatrice...can't-can't breathe...let-let go..."

* * *

It was not as though Eva did not notice the proceedings in the front of the ball room. It was merely that she was too traumatized to pick herself up from her seat and acknowledge them.

The girl only called "Eva-Beatrice", named so for her preoccupation with the two women, had terrorized Eva for the longest time. Eva did not know what she had done to become the object of the girl's obsession. Beatrice, perhaps because she worked in the theatre and Beatrice idolized her, but...what had she done?

She had relentlessly come to Eva's home and demanded to speak with her, standing by her window and repeating long-dead stories of Eva's childhood from Rokkenjima. It had been the family conference a few years before when Eva-Beatrice had finally gotten to the point that the police needed to be called to remove her from the premises. Eva had since gotten a restraining order, and the girl had actually been pretty good about obeying it...until now, of course.

Hideyoshi and George were trying their best to distract Eva from the chaos and food-fight, but she was already in a pose mimicking that of Natsuhi's.

Meanwhile, Kyrie had made her way over, hearing the debauchery, and was helping Rosa hold Erika back. Beato was holding her own with Eva-Beatrice.

"Ahaha. Levi, Bel!" she called to her two assistants. Switching the arms with which she was using to hold back Eva-Beatrice, the golden-haired actress continued her tale. "Don't you two remember what happened next?"

The girl who went by the stage name of Leviathan raised a fist in the air similar to her mistress. "Yes, milady! We-we fought...were defeated...and then scrapped." Leviathan started to tear up, and Belphegor slapped her on the back.

"And then the Siesta Sisters!" Beatrice declared loudly. A little ways away, the two Siesta sisters (blue-haired and pink-haired-what were their first names? no one could remember) looked up at the mention of their names. "To shoot without fail! Extreme accuracy, and only witches and sorcerers of the utmost power can summon them!"

Beatrice made a shooting motion with her finger, and aimed at Kyrie and Rudolf, the latter of which had just arrived and was prying Eva-Beatrice from her grasp.

"This is absurd..." Battler mumbled, taking a seat next to (or possibly hiding behind) Bernkastel.

Letting the others take care of the food fight, Beatrice turned to Lambdadelta and the others. "And so, feeling a change of heart, I resurrected Shannon-"

Battler held up a finger. "One: when did Shannon die?"

"When my lovely Stakes and I were doing business. When you were still being a pansy."

"Two: you didn't do this on your own, did you?"

"Hm?"

"You're not the type of person to 'have a change of heart', Miss Tsundora."

"...but then Eva-Beatrice came back and killed them both! Ahhhhh!"

"Stop ignoring me! Goddammit, Beato."

Beatrice mocked holding a shotgun. "Jessica was all "Raaaaaaagh, Eva you killed them all!' And Eva was all 'Shit! Ahhhh!' and accidentally fired the gun and Jessica died."

"No," Bernkastel interrupted. "She just blinded her with the muzzle flash. Keep your facts straight, jeez."

* * *

It was by then that Lion had been forced out of his reverie by the food fight.

Fearing that he would be too tempted to ask Tohya to strangle him with her purse, he made his way out to the lobby, hoping to get a breath of fresh air (and maybe play a game of cards with the girls while he cleared his head).

So imagine his surprise when he entered the lobby only to find Will and Gertrude engaged in a one-on-one, high-speed battle of "war", Gohda and Cornelia gaping at them from the side.

Gertrude slapped a King from the top of deck on the table, and Will grew a constipated look. However, when he drew an ace, he turned triumphant.

"Well, well, congratulations," Gertrude said flatly, as he stuck the two cards onto the bottom of his deck. "You've managed to win a total of _one battle_ in this game so far. Are you not yet convinced that card games are not your forte, Willard?"

"I have no intentions of losing this game to you, Gertrude," Will declared, drawing a Queen.

Upon Gertrude drawing a King, Will scowled.

Upon Gertrude spying Lion, Will said nothing. The man's back was to the door.

Gertrude stuck a finger in Lion's direction. "Willard. Someone's here...for you, I presume."

"Nice try," Will scoffed. He drew a nine. "You're not going to distract me."

"War," said Lion, walking up to Will with heavy, steps laced with anger, "is not a game in which concentration is not necessary. It is a game of luck, Willard." He grabbed a hold of the ex-policeman's jacket collar. "And right now, you have no luck."

Willard dropped his (small) half of the deck, and found himself choked by Lion's incessant pulling. Gertrude scooted back a bit, and Gohda and Cornelia scrambled behind her.

"Willard H. Wright!" Lion demanded. "_How long have you been here?_"

Will coughed. "A-about...an hour..."

It was then that the backside of Willard H. Wright was attacked.

"_Ga__h! Lion, no! Fuck-stop! That hurts-ERGAHVVV-"_

* * *

"You-you damn witches tricked me!" Battler cried, shaking his fist.

Virgilia laughed politely. "Ah, it would seem that way." She had made Beatrice take a seat, and was fixing her student's hairbun, which had nearly unravelled itself.

"Sign it!" Beatrice cried. "_Siiiiiiign_ it, Battler! Witches _exiiiiiist_."

Eva-Beatrice was in the process of being escorted out of the ballroom by Kyrie and Rudolf, and was shouting out bits of unintelligible angry gibberish at Erika. Erika herself was still attempting to throw various objects at Eva-Beatrice, but was being held back by Dlanor (who also was taking on the troublesome task of trying to clean the food out of Erika's dress and hair). The wine bottle had been returned to Beatrice.

"I will return!" Eva-Beatrice shrieked. "You'll see! The Ushiromiya family will see me again quite soon!"

Erika made a _harrumph_-like noise, and took a seat at the table with Bernkastel.

"I will sign nothing!" Battler declared. "Ange will come to save me like she did last time!"

Erika raised an eyebrow. Ange was...what, nine years old now?

"Just like then, when you witches had me where you wanted me...Ange from the future busted in, and messed up your shit, Beato! Kick-kick-crash. Future-Ange is super badass, take my word for it."

"The Witch of Miracles can vouch for badass Ange." Bernkastel snorted. "I was the one who made her badass anyways."

"No you weren't," Battler said, annoyed. "All you did was use your dumb time powers to suck her into the past. She was badass all on her own."

They squabbled amongst themselves once again.

Lion was luckily not in the room when they decided a fair amount of backstory on how Ange managed to become badass in the "future", along with a "clearer" repeat of the story was necessary.

Dlanor, however, was there to fill in his role.

"I have a feeling this will be a long NIGHT."

* * *

SO. I clearly need to stop checking the crack WMG page, because I could not resist the urge to use a bit of "Eva-Beatrice is AM is cute-girl form." Rarg.

Thank you again to all who have been reading, and a huge thank you to Ozimul (who suggested the ideas I ended up using for Evatrice's incorporation into this chapter).

Gertrude X Will is my new crack-OTP orz.


	5. Alliance

"_Alliance of the Golden Witch"_

_And they shatter, as the two added to the table make it break_

* * *

It was then that Battler had secured Ange and plopped her onto his lap.

"Saint Lucia Academy!" he proclaimed, raising a fist in the air. "A harsh boarding school for orphans and parents who don't give a shit about their daughters' mental welfare!"

"Why does any of this matter?" Beatrice asked, taking another drink from the wine bottle. "This is all just a shitty flashback."

"Objection!" Bernkastel shrieked. "It is not. I finally get a good part."

Lambdadelta clapped her hands. "Ignore them and continue, Battler."

"Ange, do you like fairy tales?" Battler asked the small girl.

Ange fiddled with the key around her neck and thought for a moment. "Yeah!"

"Then you'll be Gretel! Cool, okay so badass adult Ange comes and—"

"You mean like Hansel and Gretel?" little Ange inquired.

"Yeah, so—"

"But I don't like Hansel and Gretel, Battler!" she exclaimed, turning around to face him. "It's too scary and sad. I actually like Cinderella a lot!"

Bern sniggered while she discreetly eyed the table around her for champagne.

"But no one dies in Cinderella, Ange. Except for the mom, but my ma's been dead for years—"

Ange gaped at him. "People die in this story? This is a bad story, Battler!"

"You're a frilly blonde princess, Battler," Bernkastel said. "A princess forced to work in the dungeon. But then you go off and marry a handsome prince in the end, so it's all good."

"Fuck you, Bern," Battler scowled. "Go drink yourself into a coma."

Ange frowned.

While all of the fuss was going on, one Jessica Ushiromiya was sitting in a deserted corner of the ballroom and typing on her laptop. She sang along softly with the tune that was drifting out of the tinny speakers: "One, two, good morning~."

Click-click-click, went her keys.

"Hating, loving, hating, ah ah ah. Who are you? Who ar—"

"Why, you must be mistaking me for someone else, Miss Jessica. I am Ronove, the same as always."

Jessica let out a shriek of surprise and abruptly shut off the music before the chorus came to her belting out her love for Ronove.

"What the hell are you doing here all of a sudden?" Jessica snapped, clutching at her chest and glaring at the theatre assistant sitting across from her and sipping champagne.

"Miss Beatrice seems to be on the verge of incoherency. There would be nothing of value happening if I stayed to listen to her story."

Jessica frowned. "Aren't you her assistant?"

"That I am. Unfortunately, there seems to be nothing I can do for her at this point, unless she wants me to hold back her hair while she is vomiting up all of that alcohol."

Jessica curled her lip in disgust. "Well, don't bother me."

"Oh, yes. I apologize," Ronove said, adjusting his monocle, "for interrupting your rousing chorus of...what exactly where you singing?"

Jessica blushed. She wasn't much of a singer. In her opinion, at least. She'd sang at her school festival a few years back, and gotten quite a lot compliments, but she knew she needed more practice if she wanted to be considered "good."

"An IOSYS song."

"IOSYS?"

"Look it up online if you're so damn curious!" she snapped, turning her attention back to her computer.

"Well, well. Aren't we temperamental?"

* * *

"On the plus side, Kinzo is actually already dead!"

"It's a farce! A faaaaaarce!"

"Because Natsuhi is actually a necrophiliac."

"What's that, Battler?"

Both Beatrice and Battler fell silent.

"Nothing important."

"If this story is about me, I should know!"

"Ange, what's your favorite color?" Battler asked, patting her on the head.

"Blue. Why?"

"Blue text!" Battler shouted, raising his fists skyward. "And the badass adult Ange proclaimed, 'Let my brother play a fair game! Allow his use of blue text to support this theories!'"

Ange's eyes glowed at this newest revelation. "Ooo, ooo, what did I do next?"

Beatrice waggled her fingers. "Maria's ghoooost came back to say hello."

"A ghost? Where?"

"In her _diary_!"

Ange frowned. "Like in Harry Potter?" She thought that over for a moment, and then said, "but that didn't end well at all! Battler, are you going to kill me off?"

"Of course not—"

"You're too delicious of a hamburger to kill off, Ange," Bernkastel said, swaying. "With all of the condiments and such."

"Bern, shut up—"

Bernkastel's eyes lit up, and she looked at something far away. "Oh, that sounds good. I want a hamburger now. Lambda, do they have hamburgers here?"

"Likely not. This is a wedding."

Bernkastel, however, would not take no for an answer, and proceeded to drag the pink actress off by the chain of the handcuffs in the direction of the kitchen.

"Ugh, just-just take a zugzwang!" Lambdadelta called out, slowly getting dragged out of the circle. "Wait until we get back—"

"Distractions!" Beactrice cheered. "Let me tell a heart-warming tale about the friendship of Ange and Maria and my assistants and I—"

"I thought we agreed never to speak about that," sniggered the girl by the stage name of Mammon.

"Mammon!" Ange cried, and the older girl flashed her a toothy grin.

"How've you been, sweetie?"

Ange squealed in joy and jumped off of Battler's lap, running to the other girl.

Battler glared at Beatrice.

"What?"

"Stop making my sister into mince-meat!"

"That was Bern!" Beatrice said defiantly, shaking the wine bottle in his face. "Bern was the one who called her a hamburger. Personally I think she'd taste terrible."

"Don't think about how my sister tastes!"

* * *

The two had, unfortunately, forgotten the presence of Erika and Dlanor a few feet away.

Dlanor had done her best to help Erika clean off, but the blue-haired girl was still covered in frosting and champagne. She didn't seem to mind though.

"I bet Ange tastes like Battler, but with a fruity streak," Erika said, who was eating a pastry out of her own hair.

"How would you know what Mr. Battler tastes LIKE?"

"Summer three years ago. It was humid, the theatre house had no air conditioning, and we got locked in a room overnight." Erika looked as though she was recalling a very fond memory, and shuddered with a pleased look on her face.

"I do not think that is the most appropriate tale for Mr. Battler's WEDDING."

"As opposed to a tale about everyone in this hall dying a horrible death?"

"You tasted terrible!" Battler exclaimed all of a sudden. "Way too much fucking hairspray."

Erika gasped. "I taste like blueberries on a mid-summer night's eve in the valley of sweet—"

"Burgers. I have burgers, guys."

The four looked up to see Bernkastel coming back to the table with a silver tray. It was stacked high with many tiny hamburgers.

"Where'd you manage to get burgers?" Erika asked skeptically.

"Oh, they were on the kid's menu from the wedding across the hall. Stole 'em while the cooks were distracted."

Lambda said nothing, but took one from Bernkastel's tray and started munching.

"Do burgers sober people up?" she inquired.

"They do NOT. I have had questions like this asked many time while on the police FORCE. Only time can make one SOBER."

"Then-then just continue with the damn story. Bern, eat your burgers."

* * *

"Mama, where's Sakutarou?"

"Most likely at his house, Maria."

"Why couldn't he come?"

Rosa rubbed her forehead. "Because."

"Because why?"

"Because he's not family. And he's not a family friend either."

"But Miss Beatrice got to invite all of her friends over."

"Yes, but this is Beatrice's wedding."

"Maria wants Sakutarou over!"

"Sakutarou is not coming to the wedding, Maria!"

By then, Mammon had wandered over with Ange in tote.

"Oi, Maria. C'mon, stop bothering your mama."

She held out her hand, and Maria grabbed it eagerly.

"Uu~, Mammon, do you know who Sakutarou is?"

"Oh, no. Tell me?"

As the three girls headed off, Rosa buried her head in her hands.

Since she was nine-years-old, Maria had been close with a neighbor boy. Apparently his name was actually Sakura, but Maria thought it too girly and promptly renamed him herself.

The two were inseparable. So of course she wanted him to come to the wedding. Chances are if she asked Beatrice, she would have let her (she had a huge soft spot for the little aspiring actress), but Rosa would have been embarrassed either way.

For the boy constantly wore a lion costume. Everywhere. Maria said that he had multiple copies of the same outfit, but Rosa didn't know for sure.

* * *

"And then gramps denounced all of the adults and was all 'sic 'em, Siestas!'"

"Yeah, yeah," Lambdadelta said, snagging another burger from Bern's tray. "Who died?"

"All the adults except Kyrie, Krauss, and Nanjo, mmm-hmmm," Beatrice said. "Can I have a burger?"

"No!" Bernkastel snapped, shielding her tray. "And this story sucks goats. You guys totally skipped me when I was talking to badass adult Ange."

Lambda chuckled. "What did you say, Bern?"

"S-She was gonna jump off of the roof. I stopped her 'cause I'm good like that."

"How?" Battler asked.

"I'm the witch of miracles, bitch!" Bern pumped a fist in the air, and Erika followed suit.

"What about _me_, Mistress?"

"You're not a witch."

"Why not?"

"Because you suck."

Erika frowned, but Lambda waved away her concerns.

"Don't mind her. You know she's drunk out of her skull."

Beatrice huffed. "Well, Battler~"

"What?" he asked, in the process of snatching a burger from the tray.

"Have you not realized your _sin_?"

"My sin?"

"Let's have Gaap and George fight to the death, Beato!" Bern suddenly yelled. "Oh God, that would be awesome!"

"Right!" Beatrice agreed, totally forgetting about her husband's supposed sin. "Lots of portals. And kicking. Kicking through portals?"

"And knuckles."

"But knuckles are Jessica's thing."

"Then Jessica fights Ronove to the death."

Bern shuddered much like Erika had earlier. "This is fucking awesome. It's like that summer three years ago when we all—"

"Hey, that's not child-friendly," Mammon said, popping up behind Bern. She deposited Ange on Battler's lap once more, and took a seat at the table with Maria following behind her. "Oh, hey. Burgers. Lemme have one."

"You'll just eat the whole tray, fatty," Bern snarked, jerking the tray away from Mammon's grasp.

Mammon shrugged. "I'm not Belz, at least. She'd eat the tray, too."

"Okay, okay!" Beatrice screeched. "We need to start this story over again!"

Ange frowned again. "What about me?"

"You turned into burger and died," said Bernkastel.

"That's mean, Bernie."

"You were delicious. I regret nothing."

Lambdadelta sighed. "If you're going to start the story over again, then just do it."

* * *

WOW SO UM. This chapter sucked. and had too much dialogue. I ran out of funny. I blame my dislike of Alliance. Well, um. I swear that scene with Jessica will lead up to something. And George and Gaap will meet up in time. Also an interlude with End, next. I SWEAR END WILL BE FUNNY (because Erika).


End file.
